Mexicans fume over fence building....

...but claim that they'll have the last laugh.

Mexican officials from all over the country are fuming at the concept recently passed in US Congress about building a high-tech fence across the Mexican border with the US. Initial Mexican reaction is outrage, which is difficult to detect because it is the middle of tequila tasting season. In any case Alberto Carcerone had this to say, "The stinkin Americans may think they are so smart at building a fence across the border to stop illegals from crossing the border, taking crappy jobs and sending their savings back to Mexico (ed note - this is the largest source of income in Mexico). But wait until they realize that they have no only outsourced all of their fence producing infrastructure and wire cutter production to Mexico. Who'll have the last laugh then. Besides, who do they think they'll be able to hire to do all that manual work? You aren't going to find some white guy to do it. You may be able to use convicts, but hey they want to go to Mexico to get out of jail anyway. Looks like they might be hiring some Mexicans to do the work anyway."

Various Senators and Congressmen who supported the idea had no comment claiming they were out of the office for the holidays.

New Jersey Looking for New State Slogan/Motto

Trying to overcome years of neglect as a state best known for the mob, the Meadowlands and sports teams that don't want to label themselves as coming from NJ, Governor Richard Codey is initiating a campaign to come up with a new slogan. "New Jersey: We'll win you over" was already rejected.
Other popular ones:
Come to New Jersey, it's not as bad as it smells
New Jersey: We can always use another relative on the payroll
New Jersey, the state that had that gay Governor.
New Jersey, the shortest route between New York and Delaware
New Jersey, better smelling once you cross the border (until you get to the farm areas, then it starts smelling again)
New Jersey - there is a reason for the air recirculation button in your car
New Jersey, the hairspray capital of the world
New Jersey, consistently leading the country with the top spots to have your car stolen
Come to New Jersey, you can have just as much input in state elections as our electorate.
Come to New Jersey - find Hoffa, win a million bucks
Come to New Jersey, our casino money doesn't go to the Indians.

Saddam steals show with claim of US torture

Saddam Hussein made claims in court today that he had been beaten at all places on his body and some of the beatings left still visible marks on his body. Hussein went on for 15 minutes accusing the Americans of physically harming him until his translator informed him that his English was a bit off. Apparently after his translator informed him of his mistake, Hussein became very quiet and his translator gave a brief statement.

"Mr Hussein apologises, while what came across was accusations of Americans hurting Mr. Hussein, in reality he meant to be confessing to beating and ordering beatings of Iraqiis."

This statement came much after Hussein called for punishment of those who had beaten other Iraqiis.

Hussein's lawyers then stood up and immediately objected to their client's statements, claiming that Hussein was reading from a statement that apparently got switched at the last minute.

Republican thieves steal two-ton Moore Sculpture

In what seems to be a bit of a mistake, Republican thieves have reportedly stolen what they took for a life-size and weight Moore sculpture thinking it was of Michael Moore. Republican operatives had been working off of the best intelligence available prior to taking the sculpture from the estate outside London by using a flatbed truck. On a positive side, other than its sheer weight, it was not deemed a weapon of mass destruction. Tony Blair has released a statement that his people had nothing to do with the stealing of the sculpture, but that President Bush is a great man and the UK stands behind the USA 100%.

Otherwise, today was the first day commercial radio has been without Howard Stern. Granted it is a Saturday and typically without Mr Stern. That said feel free to write in the comments section if you want to offer a free Sirius radio and/or subscription. Not just Stern, but Mojo Nixon on, the world should be jealous.

Bush Claims Responsibility for Hockey Strike

President Bush in a major mea culpa, has today claimed responsibility for the NHL strike which canceled the 2004-2005 hockey season. President Bush was slow to admit his involvement in the issue until Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin of the rapidly sinking Liberal Party in Canada called him on it.

Martin, trying to do anything he can to improve his or his party's position in Canada, is seen as largely grasping at straws. This one happened to stick. Earlier in Martin's "Don't Dictate to Me" speech, he chastised the United States for among other things:
Trying to push Canada into participating in the Iraq war
Making it quite a bit colder in both winter and summer
Hoarding most of North America's natural disasters
Beer with barely any alcohol
Last year's hockey lockout
Celine Dion's popularity

In closing his speech, Martin roused the crowd with "Eh? Eh? Eh? Canada is here to stay!".

In other news, another week has gone by without an engagement for Paris or Nicole.

Hussein Skips Trial

Sadam Hussein didn't appear at his trial today. Surviving lawyers for the defense team citied chronic back pain on the part of the former dictator. Hussein's lawyers tried to gain approval from the judge at the trial for Mr. Hussein to travel to Bahrain to visit with Michael Jackson's back specialist.

"Mr Jackson's back enabled him to miss many days of his trial due to suspicious back pain. We hope that Mr Hussein can receive similar treatment and sympathy from the jury as Mr Jackson. Barring that, we feel it is necessary that Mr Hussein minimally be placed in the center square at the trial such that he may be called on more frequently." in a statement leaked from one of his surviving lawyers.

In the latest news just out from "We Really Really Really Don't Care Anymore Magazine" Nicole Ritchie has broken off her engagement with whomever. Reports are that she tried to buy really cheap envelopes to mail out the wedding invitations with, but her fiancee, having watched "Seinfeld" at some point in his life was aware of the trick. Otherwise her George and Jerry marriage pact with Paris seems to be officially kaput as they have now both broken off. Most surprising is that they are trying to model so much of their life on the Seinfeld series, while somewhat "Bizzaro" in that unlike George and Jerry, they seem to go to parties while neither appear to have jobs.

Gwyneth , Bennifer...come on Katie

Gwyneth Paltrow and her sappy husband named their kid Apple. Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have recently announced the birth of their daughter, Violet, yesterday. Hours after the birth Ben Affleck the smaller drawing of the Affleck/Damon duo released this statement to the press:

"After numerous years of "Bennifer" and Mrs. Jimmy Kimmel we decided to give our daughter a name that would stand out AND be difficult to combine with another name to make fun of her. If she's going to be made fun, she should be made fun of on her own. Jennifer and I think we have given her a name to be made fun of all by itself, such as Vaflack, spoken like a duck."

Less discussed is the pressure this puts on Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise to come up with a more odd name for their test-tube kid. Also just in, E! Entertainment reports that Violet is also a better actor than Ben.

In other news two days after the official end of the hurricane season, tropical storm Epsilon was upgraded to a hurricane, apparently missing the end of season announcement.

The Test Tube Kids With a Friend of Mine

Apologies to WAR. Apparently the kids that Michael Jackson dangled off a balcony in Berlin and repeatedly tries to keep from being with their mother aren't even his. Reports yesterday state that the kids are the product of a test tube with an anonymous donor. Rumor has it the donor was not Tom Cruise. Speaking of immaculate conceptions, Katie, apparently you're up.

In other news of "grate" import to the tie-died and stinking of patchouli set, Grateful Dead Productions retreated on their earlier efforts to stop allowing free downloads of Dead shows and songs over the net which were recorded in concert. Apparently with Jerry dead, they felt they needed someone else to fund their pot brownies and acid trips since they already had squandered away hundreds of millions of dollars previously made during their near constant touring and subsequent "The Other Ones" and "The Dead" tours even after Jerry passed on. To all of the prep school kids hanging outside of shows in their $400 of Abercrombie and Fitch clothes holding up a finger in need of a "Miracle," this one goes out to you.