Monday, October 31, 2005

Details Emerge in the OC

Details are emerging in the motives of a 19-year-old Aliso Viejo, CA man dressed in a dark cape and painball mask. Reportedly he had recently been trying out for "The Real Laguna Beach" a neighboring Orange County town and had been told he wasn't "real enough" based on information from an unnamed source familiar with the casting for the MTV show.

Friends of the man have reported hearing him recently grumble, "I'll show them who's really OC enough. I may have to OJ their OC and maybe do a little Rove over them"

Elsewhere famed French actor Gerard Depardieu is reportedly ending his film career. One American filmgoer recognized his name but only had this to add, "He's that skunk in Bugs Bunny, no. Oh wait didn't he die a while ago?"

Cause of Garcia Death Still in Dispute

While widely reported as having died from sleep apnea on August 9th 1995, no one believes that it was not somehow drug related. San Francisco, which just dedicated a 600-seat amphitheater in Jerry Garcia's honor is still sticking by the apnea story. The rest of the country thinks there must be something in the fog for them to keep believing this.

John Rizner from the University of Michigan Medical Center's sleep deprivation expert weighs in with "While the popular theory is complications related to sleep apnea, after reading through his medical reports, I've determined that he actually died of SIDS.

In other news Janet Jackson admitted that she did have a child with her former husband DeBarge. "I didn't keep it hidden for myself, but to protect the child from Michael, we weren't sure which way he leaned. As he's now 17, I think he should be safe. Besides, Michael is moving to Bahrain."

Unknown to all is where this mysterious Jackson sister Rebbie came from. According to Jake Berg a Jackson family expert, "Who's Rebbie? At least there were jokes about Tito. A Jackson not pushed to the limelight, I don't believe it.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Stallone in "Over the Top II" following "Rambo IV" and next Rocky

Citing the popularity of Celebrity Poker and "The Simple Life", Sylvester Stallone has announced that he has signed on for "Over the Top II" the iconic 1987 arm-wrestling movie which brought to national attention the "over the top" move.

The role is to be looked at as fairly relaxing after training for his other two films, as he only needs to strengthen one arm and drive a truck. Don Fabreezi, Stallone's stunt double is not happy. "I have three kids to put through college, Stallone has barely needed a double the last 10 years and with the cost of college and the pay scale for two movies, I think #3 is looking at state school."

The studios for all three movies are very exciting for the trilogy. "The last time any of this series of movies came out our demographic was teen and twenty-something men. Now they've all grown up and gone through their first divorces and thus won't have any entanglements holding them back. Also think of all that cash saved up now that they are in their 30's and 40's," said a spokesman from Universal.

Phil Macgruder, from the Filmology Institute says, "This is just another example of studios not being able to come up with any new ideas. They're just throwing anything up against the wall and seeing if it sticks."

Expected release date is December 2006 as the dialogue is not expected to take long to write.

Pentagon Invites UN torture investigator to Gitmo for Halloween

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has invited three UN torture investigators to Guantanamo Bay for Halloween. Rumsfeld released a statement saying, "You have the investigators you know you know and the ones you think you know, but the worst are not the ones you know you don't know but the ones you don't know you don't know."

The Defense department figures Halloween is an ideal time to showcase the detainees. The holiday offers a unique opportunity to dress up the detainees and provide fake detainees such that the investigators will have little chance identifying the difference. Pentagon spokesperson Arlene Gaffney had this to say, "We know the UN is dying to say something bad about us and probably has their report written already, if we sufficiently "Shock and Awe" them, they'll have no idea what to think and the world will just think they are taking more bribes in the Oil for Food scandal."

Professor Gene Fitzsimmons, head of Union College's war crimes department felt, "this is an unbelievable plan! Finally the Bush administration is doing something about the situation in Guantanamo Bay. Having the detainees participate in a Halloween celebration should be a real morale booster for the Bush administration.

Human Rights Now organizer Harry Sminkle also weighed in on the topic, "This is a travesty. After all of the Hurricanes and quite frankly a lot of work the past few years trying to protect human rights against the Bush administration I was hoping to finally sit back and watch Season One of Arrested Development and spend time with my family".

In should be noted that Mr. Sminkle lives with his mom and six cats.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Harriet Miers next American Idol Judge

In a shocking development Harriet Miers has ended her quest for Supreme Court judge in hopes of becoming the fourth American Idol judge.

Claiming the ability to larger impact on the American Idol panel, Miers was quoted as saying, "I'd rather be a big fish in a little pond, than a little fish in a big pond. Why be one of nine, when I can be one of four."

"This is believed to be the first case of someone passing up a position on a federal bench for a reality show judge, granted I don't think it would have made a difference with Clay Aiken," said a shcoked judiciary scholar, Professor James Stemson, Dean of the Albany Law School.

While it is not clear which annoying habit Ms. Miers will put on public display come the next season given Simon's breast shirts, Paula's clap and Randy's use of the word "Dog" are all copyrighted. There is hope she will allow Simon to have at least one intelligent conversation with someone on the panel during the season.