Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey Breakup

Well, you knew it was coming. Jess and Nick have officially separated. Each has released statements on behalf of the breakup.

Excerpts from Jessica's statement:
"Nick and I have decided to part ways. As part of the separation agreement Nick's last name will now be pronounced "Latch-ee" not that fake sounding French thing. Enough is enough, no one was buying his sophisticated image or his records. Its time the world see him for the white-trash hanger-on that he is. Make no mistake, there are plenty more chicken in the sea, and if you knew Nick like I did you'd know what I'm talking about".

From Nick's statement:
"Nick and Jessica are very sad to announce their separation. This comes as a big personal and financial blow to Mr. Lachey and he will not be making any further statements. He loved and loves Jessica very much, but her skyrocketing career and his languishing one put a serious strain on the relationship."

Unmentioned in the statements is that no one cared for further statements from Mr. Lachey.

In related news, Nick Lachey reportedly has been repeatedly mailing Michael Jackson and Angelina Jolie in hopes one of them will adopt him and/or make him relevant again.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

John Kerry Elected

John Kerry finally won an election, to foreman on a jury. The case involving injuries suffered in a 2000 car accident involving a school principle. Kerry was surprised at his selection.

"Quite frankly, as an American citizen and someone who is not deaf, I felt it was my sworn duty to accept him for jury duty and keep him sequestered as long as possible. It may be a great sacrifice for the other members of the jury, but to keep him from making any speeches in public will be a sacrifice well worth it," said the defense attorney Irv Begotta.

"Like my opposing colleague, I thought he would make a fine juror, but more than that keeping him from the public would be of much greater benefit. God forbid he's talking on the radio and someone dozes off and gets into an accident and kills someone, I might be liable for personal injury if we didn't have him on the jury," claimed John Garoda the lawyer for the men injured.

In other news it has been a week since Paris Hilton and her Greek shipping boyfriend have trashed any hotel rooms or been in any car accidents. Some credit should be given for the last car accident as Stavros' head was covered with a jacket so he couldn't see the truck in front of them. Stavros claims that in Greece it is customary to wear an outer garment over ones head while driving.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Bush Redefines Torture

President Bush has made an announcement denoucning torture by US agents. According to the official release, the use of the word torture is no longer acceptable. "From now on the use of the word torture is banned, to be replaced with coercion."

New guidelines have been released documenting what can and can't be used to influence prisoners to provide information:
Halle Berry Show: still torture
The Apprentice (Martha or Donald): coercion
Celine Dion: coercion if for under 6 hours a day
Being Bobby Brown: coercion
Tom Cruise on Oprah: torture
Housing them under the drain of the men's bathroom: coercion
Constant dripping sound: coercion
Carrot Top: torture
David Lee Roth morning show: torture
NPR pledge drive: coercion
Reel of political speeches for any local election district: coercion
Threatening a guest spot on the Tony Danza show: torture

Please note, this is only a subset of the actual list.

Barbara Bush, after seeing the new list had the following to say, "Those prisoners have it pretty good, 3 squares a day. Its better than they had before being captured."

In other news, R. Kelly is still trapped in the closet with Tom Cruise. There is no word on when they might be leaving.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Jackson Confused With Restroom

Michael Jackson has stirred up the controversy pot again. The musician who is now living in Dubai of the UAE chose to go into the womens room recently rather than the nearby men's room. Jackson has denied doing anything wrong, explaining "I've got both parts."

Experts have expressed little surprise in the happenings, dismissing the incident because Jackson is so infrequently outside anyway and in the Arab world the signs identifying the two restrooms are so similar.

What was unexpected however was that the two women who were in the restroom were immediately removed from the building and stoned out in the parking lot. There was no comment on the occurance by anyone within the UAE, other than the claim that there was due to be a 2 o'clock stoning regardless.

Elsewhere in the U.S. The CMA and the Vibe hip-hop awards were shown opposite eachother but Tivo'd in Eastern Europe and the Middle East where they have been on a continuous loop being shown to prisoners. Said a recently released prisoner, "First we dreamed of leaving the Shi'ite torture prison and go to Abu Ghraib, after seeing the Vibe and CMA awards, we've changed our minds."

Monday, November 14, 2005

World's Largest Aquarium Set to Open

Contrary to reports coming from Atlanta claiming that they will be opening the world's largest aquarium across from the CNN center and the Georgia dome, oceanographer are protesting. According to Penn State oceanographer Bernie Fenums, "I hate to disappoint the Georgians, but the largest aquarium is not opening in Georgia soon. The largest aquarium is the Pacific Ocean."

Not to be out done by the founder of Home Depot, Bernie Marcus, David Geffen has decided to open his property up (after a $50 admission fee per person) for visitors to gain exclusive access to the Pacific Ocean via his house. As you may remember, Mr Geffen has in the past remained steadfast in his blocking access to the ocean. Now that he's found a way to monetize the access as a sightseeing expedition he has had a change of heart.

Elsewhere in the US millions are rejoicing at the fact that rioting in France is not caused by anything America did. In France, rioting has begun to die down as town by town has surrendered unconditionally to the rioters. However, due to the rioters burning all of the cars and anything else they could get their hands on, word is spreading very slowly. Thousands are currently going town to town in a caravan of Smart Cars currently one short city block long. The French warriors are now proudly in control of one of the largest welfare states in the European Union and like their predecessors have nothing to offer. Viva la France!

Saturday, November 12, 2005

Moviegoer poorer and deader than before

In an affront to the controversial 50 cent movie "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" a theater three men were involved in a bathroom fight in the Homestead PA theater showing it. "There has not been a direct link made between the movie and the murder," said Detective Brandon Short.

However after paying $14 for entrance of the movie and another $20 for a small popcorn and soda combination, other theater-goers were visibly amused.

"Here's a guy who just spent $34 dollars for a movie and popcorn and now he's dead, and certainly not any richer," said one attendee.

There is no video of the incident because Paris Hilton was in town and therefore all video equipment was repurposed for her use in the event she break a nail or get into another fender-bender.

In a camera related story, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie won dual polls for "Person you'd most want to Photoshop your picture with". The poll originally was looking for who they'd like to take their picture with, but due to the abundance of photographs already available of the two celebrities, it is believed that each person in the country could be given individual photos of their preferred actor and simply use Photoshop to combine their own picture in to show friends who don't care anyway.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Paris Hilton in Minor Car Crash

For the first time in her life, Paris was caught in something mildly interesting and there wasn't a video tape around (http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051110/ap_en_ce/people_paris_hilton). Ohh, wait, sorry, it was captured on video tape and it is already circulating on the internet.

She blew a kiss to the officers who reported to the scene, which managed to get captured on video as well.

Monday, November 07, 2005

France Youths Plan To Riot Again

Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin rejected calls to bring out the army to help quell violence amongst Paris' youth who are refusing to take baths.

"Our parents didn't bathe, why should we bathe. Bathing is simply un-French," quoted a protesting student.

By lighting hundreds of cars on fire the French youth hope to force the city of Paris to utilize all of their water resources on fighting fires and further suppressing the ability of anyone in Paris from bathing.

Secret documents leaked from Lewis "Scooter" Libby implied that the protests were secretly funded by the Federline-Spears' because Ms. Spears' perfume needed a sales boost to help pay for Kevin's, um, wrap album.

In related news, President Bush has stated "We do not torture prisoners" however a look of the top selling albums for the Guantanamo Bay detention center based on Apple's iTunes web site showed Mr Federline's album at #1. Dick Cheney was not available for comment as he was at an undisclosed location.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Defending Foreign Detentions

President Bush made another rare prime-time speech tonight in defense of his foreign detention policy. "Who would know more about detention than me? I spent more than my fair share of time in detention when I was young, heh heh, and I know that while it may not bring you to changing your ways, it does loosen the lips if you temp the detainee."

It was rumored that Robert Novak used this technique to obtain the name of Valerie Plame from non-public information sources, not because he was a fan of detention, but because he was too lazy to look it up in the phone book like everyone else could.

"The United States is not in the business of providing free travel to misfits around the world. We're not going to give them a free vacation to the US just to hold them in a cell. We want to hold them close to home so they don't enjoy themselves too much." Mr Bush said in his speech.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush was later quoted, "These foreign detentions are working out very well for them. They get three squares a day and quite frankly the conditions are better than living in the middle of the desert."

When questioned about the detention centers that are actually in the middle of the desert, Mrs Bush's spokesman gave no comment.

In other news Michael Jackson is reportedly close to finishing work on a Katrina single. In another example of Mr. Jackson not quite getting it, the song he is working on is Katrina and the Waves' "Red Wine and Whisky" which he is rewriting to "Red Wine and Jesus Juice."

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Senate Door Locks Changed

After an "affront to the leadership" of the institution, the Republican majority called in Paul's Locks and Bolts to immediately have the locks on the Senate chamber doors changed. It is believed that Valerie Plame, in a last ditch effort (and her last undercover assignment) snuck into the Senate and secretly reversed all of the locks which her husband Joseph Wilson then locked while the Senate was in session.

Evidence pointed to the Democrats as having been behind the ordeal, but for the first time in 30 years they managed to keep quiet. Jesse Jackson was quoted as saying in reference to Bush's most recent Supreme Court Nominee, "If we can't get Ito, we must reject Alito."

Democrats are trying to push forward an agenda that claims Republicans might plant evidence in their attempts to cover up their lack of reasons for going to war. To which Jackson in a non sequitur added, "If something is looking wacky, we must not allow Bernanke."

In other news, Jessica Simpson is rumored to be sleeping with the therapist she was rumored to be seeing to deal with the rumors about her not quite official breakup with her husband Nick Lachey.