Bush Redefines Torture

President Bush has made an announcement denoucning torture by US agents. According to the official release, the use of the word torture is no longer acceptable. "From now on the use of the word torture is banned, to be replaced with coercion."

New guidelines have been released documenting what can and can't be used to influence prisoners to provide information:
Halle Berry Show: still torture
The Apprentice (Martha or Donald): coercion
Celine Dion: coercion if for under 6 hours a day
Being Bobby Brown: coercion
Tom Cruise on Oprah: torture
Housing them under the drain of the men's bathroom: coercion
Constant dripping sound: coercion
Carrot Top: torture
David Lee Roth morning show: torture
NPR pledge drive: coercion
Reel of political speeches for any local election district: coercion
Threatening a guest spot on the Tony Danza show: torture

Please note, this is only a subset of the actual list.

Barbara Bush, after seeing the new list had the following to say, "Those prisoners have it pretty good, 3 squares a day. Its better than they had before being captured."

In other news, R. Kelly is still trapped in the closet with Tom Cruise. There is no word on when they might be leaving.