John Kerry Elected

John Kerry finally won an election, to foreman on a jury. The case involving injuries suffered in a 2000 car accident involving a school principle. Kerry was surprised at his selection.

"Quite frankly, as an American citizen and someone who is not deaf, I felt it was my sworn duty to accept him for jury duty and keep him sequestered as long as possible. It may be a great sacrifice for the other members of the jury, but to keep him from making any speeches in public will be a sacrifice well worth it," said the defense attorney Irv Begotta.

"Like my opposing colleague, I thought he would make a fine juror, but more than that keeping him from the public would be of much greater benefit. God forbid he's talking on the radio and someone dozes off and gets into an accident and kills someone, I might be liable for personal injury if we didn't have him on the jury," claimed John Garoda the lawyer for the men injured.

In other news it has been a week since Paris Hilton and her Greek shipping boyfriend have trashed any hotel rooms or been in any car accidents. Some credit should be given for the last car accident as Stavros' head was covered with a jacket so he couldn't see the truck in front of them. Stavros claims that in Greece it is customary to wear an outer garment over ones head while driving.