Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Previous entry incorrect

It has been brought to our attention that the previous entry of Michael Bolton as the new White House Chief of Staff was incorrect, the new one will be Joshua Bolten. Sorry for the error.

Bolton Named Chief of Staff

According to unconfirmed reports, Andrew Card will be stepping down as President Bush's Chief of Staff and replaced with Michael Bolton.

It is a surprise move by the Bush Whithe House but also expected to smooth over relations with the American people. Mr Bolton was a surprise pick, but since his engagement with Nicollette Sheridan, a star of one of Americas most popular programs, "Desperate Housewives" it looks like a win-win for the White House.

"Andrew Card was talentless, David Hasselhoff has his own issues. If you want to jazz up the White House, you either bring slick-willy back, or you bring in something fresh. This is a one-two punch. Popular musician and actress making the rounds in DC. They could plant weapons in Iraq now and no one would be paying attention," said political strategist John Bolinsky of RPI.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

French Students Strike Over Job Concerns

French students are striking this week against the First Job Contract. At issue is a watering down of a college degree by so many people getting them and thus creating job insecurity.

"I don't want to find myself two years down the line without a job to strike against," said Armond Blanc who marched through Paris.

At issue is guaranteed admission to a state university upon graduation from High School. The future problem being a somewhat more open job market in the future as more people are qualified for working the 35-hour weeks in France.

"If the job market is open, we may lose out jobs next time we strike (scheduled for two months from now, the cause as yet undetermined). How then will I support myself between strikes," said Dominic DeBillipen.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Blood on the Hands of Cruise and Scientology

A new war has broken out against Scientology and Tom Cruise, blaming them for the death of a mother who was stabbed to death by her schizophrenic son. Ads have been taken out in LA papers blaming them and their stance against psychotic medications for her death.

While this might just be one of the opening salvos in a thousand year war, the church is coming under increasing scrutiny. The creators of South Park are alleging censorship brought on by Cruise and the church. And they've lost the lovable chef character played by Isaac Hayes, another Scientologist, who has left the show in protest. He reportedly will be doing voiceover work for Cruise attempting to make Cruise sound less crazy.

As is the case with many Hollywood causes (see the Democratic Party) it is widely believed the rest of the world could care less if the names involved didn't attract so much publicity.

Elsewhere, Paris Hilton is reportedly breaking up with her boyfriend/ex-fiance over language issues. It was reported yesterday that she was miffed he was speaking Greek in front of her. New reports today claim that it was Stavros who did the breaking up with claims that he couldn't understand anything coming out of Miss Hilton's mouth and determining the various meanings of "hot" was driving him crazy.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Mojo Nixon Coming Out of Retirement

Mojo Nixon announced today on his “Outlaw Country” Sirius Radio show that he would be coming out of musical retirement in support of Kinky Freidman’s campaign in Texas. He will be playing a tour of Texas on April 13th, 14th and 15th with his band the Toadliquors as support of the campaign. No further details were available at this time.

While this forum is not surprised that he is coming out of retirement, it didn’t expect for it to take two years to happen. Now we just need Mojo to tour a few other spots around the country. Surely he could combine his dayjob (DJ) with his night one to “tour” near Sirius studios.

US Eliminated from Baseball Classic

Following the US Men's Olympic Hockey Team's lead, the US team in the WBC has been eliminated by Mexico, after suffering an earlier loss to the Canadians. While causing something of a major embarrassment for US sports again, it is stirring discussions amongst other US pro sports teams about allowing their predominantly US athletes to participate in these world events and getting spanked by countries with minimal history in the sport.

"Apparently the only place US athletes can score is at the bar," one observer at the WBC was overheard saying.

Strippers Get Benefits

Australian strippers part of the stripper union, Striptease Artists Australia, have won the right to time off. Australia's Industrial Relations Commission ruled that the strippers now have the right to public holiday pay, overtime, rest periods, maternity leave and meal breaks.

Union spokesperson (I'm not making this up) Mystical Melody is very excited, "We've got rosters and set hours. We can't work more than ten hours a shift."

Now, I didn't think that strippers received much in hourly pay, and really wasn't aware that it was such an upstanding business that strippers stayed at the same bar 9 months, let alone wanting to come back right after a kid.

Also very unclear is how many patrons are eager to see the near-birth strippers shimmying on a pole prior to taking their maternity leave or watch them dance just a month aftert birth. Then again, things are a little different down there, but I wasn't thinking that different.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

New UN Rights Council

Ambassadors broke out in applause after the 170-4 vote to create a new U.N. Human Rights body. The US had objected to this new body on the grounds that the rules fot the body were not strong enough to prevent violators from getting a seat. The body will replace the Geneva based 53-country UN Human Rights Commission.

Charter members of the new body include: Cuba, Pakistan, Iran, Bosnia, Chad and the Congo.

US Ambassador John Bolton was appaled.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Isaac Hayes Off South Park

Isaac Hayes who plays 'Chef' the romantic crooner/school cook has quit the Comedy Central show 'South Park'.

While perfectly willing to cash his checks when making fun of other religions, such as Christianity, Muslims, Judaism and Michael Jackson (er Jefferson), the outspoken Scientologist has drawn the line following last November's "Trapped in the Closet" which poked fun at Scientologists and Tom Cruise and John Travolta in particular.

While the South Park faithful will surely miss the crooning cook who has been a central figure of many episodes, hopefully the creators can find a non-Scientologist willing to help slay stereotypes in the future. We'll miss you chef.

Friday, March 10, 2006

South Dakotan Rallies For and Against Abortion

Representing 20% of the non-student population, North Dakota resident Jonas Piper is protesting the state's enactment of a law that would ban nearly all abortions. "We wanted a big rally, but Bobby wasn't available," claimed Mr Piper.

If the law is enacted South Dakotans will have to travel to a nearby state for an abortion, an act they must do if they want to do anything, see another human or shop currently.

Abortion experts in the rest of the country are having a hard time judging the impact of the South Dakota law. "On the one hand we want to keep the option of an abortion open to everyone, but do we really want to spend the resources necessary to fight this in a state with a permanent resident population of 10?" said a spokesperson for Planned Parenthood.

Neverland Ordered to Close, Moral Conflict for California Courts and Press

Michael Jackson was ordered to shut down his Neverland Ranch Thursday for failing to pay workers comp. He reportedly hasn't paid some employees this year either.

The Department of Industrial Relations issued the order which throws the California courts into upheaval. How can you have more child molestation charges and Jesus Juice if Neverland is closed?

Entering the spring news slowdown, the local press is in no way happy about this either. "If the ranch is closed, Mike won't visit. If Michael doesn't visit, there won't be any small boys. What are we going to cover, Scientology?" said reporter Hans Plinkdown.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Lachey Dropped Again

The program Nick Lachey was to be starring in on the CW (this the Fox station, or something else no one watches?) has been canceled...already. Rumor is they saw him act or sing or something. Supposedly there is another show in the works for the former boy-band member. Worst case is tryouts for next year's "American Idol".

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Fastow a Hero to His Family Too

Aside from providing them with numerous checks derived from ill gotten gains, Fastow is also a hero to his family by taking blame for some of the Enron mess and pleading guilty to a small number of counts rather than dragging everyone through a long court battle.

"The Fastow family will soon be able to get on with their lives and start spending some of the LJM-like money that the Feds haven't discovered yet," said a spokesperson for the family.

Next up for them is a planned speaking tour and educational series of how to make off balance sheet deals to inflate profits. "As the dot-bomb period fades from people's minds, we feel there is an opportunity in the market to sell these services again," was the claim in a released statement.

Catholic League to Call for New Elections

William Donohue, president of the far-right organization called the Cartholic League made an appearance on the Today Show (today) furthering his request that the "Davinci Code" movie contain a warning at the beginning detailing that the work is based on fiction.

Now why the far-right now all of a sudden includes (or even centers on) Catholicism I don't know. Last I checked the majority of Catholics are in the Northeastern US, which is no bastion of the extreme right judging by the last few decades of elections. Also the Bible has been shown to have as many or more holes as James Frey's "Million Little Pieces". So for one to go on the attack about a movie/book which, god forbid, may cause one to question some of the things they've been blindly following most of their life, seems a little odd.

Also, why is the far right now the religious right? Religious zealots in the rest of the world are called radicals. And more importantly, does anyone care that much about the "Davinci Code?" Enough to have this radical be the public face of their argument no less? Maybe this is due to not having a strong religious background, but as a figurehead of any public company, this guy should be let go and forced into hiding.

Freedom of speech is what the country is about, and more importantly so is the ability to express ones views about religion. But, does anyone involved in Catholicism really want Donohue speaking for them?

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

I Need a Hero

Andrew Fastow, former Enron CFO thought he was being a hero to Enron by helping inflate financials allowing Enron to make its numbers.

"Like Sanjay Kumar at CA deleting his hard drive, there were things we didn't want the public (or SEC) to see."

While not the most intelligent thing to bring up or say at a trial, one would think with the years he had to think about his statements to the court, he must have meant what he was saying. Perhaps it was done as the basis for an insanity plea later in the trial.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Stewart Bombs on Oscars

Ok, not really sure. Everything I saw wasn't bad but my dish connection went bad on the weekend for my local channels so only some TVs got the signal. But what Hollywood writer is going to say he did well?

MSNBC alluded to it, but unlike his normal studio audience who tend to exist in the liberal and educated east coast, his largely liberal and not overly educated actor audience doesn't quite like laughing at themselves, current events or anything that doesn't involve physical humor...which pretty much means they'll laugh at anything a two year old will laugh at. So, Ben Stiller will have some new fans, but he probably got the Jon Stewart jokes anyway which defeats the purpose.

Meanwhile most of America still hasn't seen any of the movies that won awards and likely won't any time soon. Perhaps ABC should look into broadcasting and hosting the Razzies next year at least they aren't taken as seriously as the Oscars.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Stapp Being Sabotaged....

....by his own actions.

Creed singer Scott Stapp is claiming someone is trying to sabotage his solo career by releasing a home movie of him and Kid Rock performing with several women in a trailer while on tour in 2004.

This is a tape that he never bothered to dispose of in the two or so years since it was filmed. Also part of the grand sabotage plans is his recent arrest for being drunk at LAX and the fact that he hasn't put out any decent music in years.

Stapp feels that he knows who the perpetrator is and occasionally sees him staring right at him, but when he looks to the left or right of the mirror the guy disappears.

Bush, Cheney bin Laden Hunting

The President and the Vice President, Bush and Cheney and their families made a surprise visit to Afganistan today to show their support for the troops and the effort in Afghanistan. "America does not cut and run" Bush told the troops.

It was a surprise visit for all. Somewhat surprising was that the VP was on the trip and not at his usual undisclosed location. The President was overheard telling associates that the only reason Cheney was there was because he promised him a hunting trip. Quickly adding that he, the President, would be going along, "What? Are you crazy? I've seen what he can do to his hunting partners"

As a special treat the Pakistani government was trying to arrange a hunting expedition with the head of the Taliban, bin Laden. "Who better knows the lay of the land than Osama. We thought he'd make a great guide and surely he and the Vice Preident would have much to talk about.