Drew Lachey wins "Dancing with the Stars"

In a not heavily watched finale, "star" Drew Lachey out danced "star" Stacey Keibler to win Dancing with the Stars. Asked what he was going to do after this victory, Lachey responded, "Me and Nick are going to live out the rest of our days on Simpson money!"

Grumpy Old Men

Franklin Paul Crow, 56, was arrested early Monday and charged in the beating death of Kenneth Matthews, 58, allegedly over and empty roll of toilet paper.

Crow beat Matthews so badly that he had to be identified by fingerprints. As only one of the two roomates are alive, the Marion County Sheriff's office is depending on statements from Crow who allegedly beat the other man with a sledge hammer and claw hammer when arguing over an empty roll of toilet paper.

Had he never heard of his roomate's towel or the local paper?

Lachey Livin' off the Hog

Former 98 Degrees member and Mr Jessica Simpson, Nich Lachey is reportedly holding open the option to receive spousal support from his ex, Jessica Simpson. While Nick was the big breadwinner prior to the marriage, that status changed as the popularity of his boy-band declined and Jessica's career kicked off. In wife fashion, he's laying claim to his jewelry and earnings since their split. But seems to be after some of the Dukes of Hazzard money. Jessica's earned more than $30 million in the last year.

In other news K-Fed aka Kevin Federline is reportedly looking to hire Nick as a mentor/manager as insurance against an impending break-up in his marriage to Brittney Spears.

Cheney Whittington to Duel

In a surprise announcement Vice President Dick Cheney has agreed to a duel with his injured hunting mate, Harry Whittington.

Cheney visited Whittington in the hospital where Whittington slapped Cheney with a white glove, thereby challenging him to a duel.

"Thank god he avoided Nam," claimed a still hospitalized Whittington. "He couldn't hit lobbyist payouts at an Abramoff golf outing. Imagine the friendly fire hits that could have been."

Canadian Students Embrace Virtual Sex

Based on a survey commissioned by campuskiss.com a whopping 87% of the students polled had had cybersex. Half over instant messenger and 44 % over the phone with a webcam. Happy Valentines day.

Most said they were sober when performing the acts which is bad news for the 90% of American geeks south of the border who can't get the opposite sex to speak or email them.

Britney Spears to Join Mardi Gras

Britney Spears released a statement today that she would be attending Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

Spears, born in Lousiana, has said she and her son, Sean Preston, will be driving there in her two-seater from LA. "Seanny will be in my lap and K-Fed will be on a leash tied to the back.

Elsewhere, in another warning to the press, Vice President Dick Cheney "accidenally" shot a 78-year-old hunting companion who is now in stable condition. Cheney was heard to grumble to the press something along the lines of, "If you guys think a 78-year-old can just jump in front of me, you guys had better watch out"

Conn Governor Released From Prison

Former Connecticut Gov. John Rowland was released from a federal prison camp Friday after serving more than 10 months on a corruption charge. A press release from the Federal Correctional Institution in Loretto PA stated, "While he must still perform 300 hours of community service the federal prisons were becoming overcrowded with Connecticut politicians. We feel Mr Rowland has learned his lesson and that his spot in the prison would be put to better use by one of the states other convicted politicians or soon to be convicted ones, Waterbury has been very quiet lately."

Cats Storming Embassies

Following Muslim protests against Danish cartoonists, cats worldwide have been storming US embassies and offices of United Features Syndicate and King Features two of the largest comic strip syndicates. There have also been widespread denial of service attacks against their respective websites, comics.com and dailyink.com.

Cats have been protesting their unfair betrayal in comics such as "Get Fuzzy," "Garfield," "Dilbert," and "Hi and Lois." In a press release issued by the cats they claim, "We are tired of being portrayed as fat, lazy and scheming. We do more than eat and sit around the house and we certainly aren't as entertaining as the number of comic strips would suggest. Seeing how world unrest can be brought about by something as innocent as a comic strip, we are working as a brotherhood to better portray our species."

A number of cats were found on the streets outside of King Features alternately sleeping and lying in the sun wearing banners proclaiming, "You might be too tough for Greenwich public schools, but you've never been subjected to the fury of cats" believed to be directed at the King Features president.

Warren Buffett to star in cartoon DVD

Childrens wishes have been answered. Reports are out today that Warren Buffett will lend his likeness and voice to a DVD cartoon series.

The series "The Secret Millionaire's Club" will take place in Omaha will feature kids turning to Buffett for financial advice as they try to reclaim a youth center.

Next on the wish-list for kids...."Greenspan explains the Federal Reserve"

Freedom of Speech Test

After a cartoon in a Danish newspaper of the Prophet Mohammad wearing a bomb hat has sparked protests and burning of the Danish Embassy in Lebanon (followed by a nice high that calmed down the attacking Lebanese until they got the munchies and decided to attack the Quicky Mart), now an Iranian newspaper is holding a competition for cartoons on the Holocaust.

This seems to b ring about a number of problems:
- If you can't show any pictures of Mohammad, how do they know what he looks like (someone sinned before the Danish paper). Its like the first rule of Fight Club.
- Don't a lot of Muslims deny that the Holocauust ever happened? How do you draw cartoons without in some way acknowledging that it existed.
- if the Iranian newspaper would crawl out from under its rock, it may notice that the Holocaust and the christian religous symbol, Jesus, are and have been used in satire, comics and popular culture in both good and bad lights for decades.

What's next, Palestinian's looking for potato famine cartoons, Republic of Congo looking for cartoons showing how the French don't fight? Indonesian papers showing Jews being cheap?

It doesn't seem to be a battle with many good results for Muslims as most of the world doesn't seem to really care.

Pandora

Read a quick blurb about this the other day in an email and after a few days of trying it, I really dig it. The site is www.Pandora.com. You put in artists or songs and it tries to guess like artists and music to play for you as well. You can also rate the songs thumbs up or down and unlike sirius or xm radio online, the songs are sent at higher quality. You can also jump to the next song if you want.

Paris Hilton slow spot

Having been literally weeks since she made any news, Paris Hilton is back at claiming some diaries were "stolen" from a storage facility.

David Hans Schmidt is handling the sale and must be thanking Paris for the new free publicity.

Elsewhere Dave Chappelle told Oprah that he was stressed out and not crazy on drugs when he dissappeared rather than completing filming of his show. All that money made choosing between different types of pot very difficult and he couldn't decide which would go better with watching the super bowl.

RI essay brings in Secret Service

West Warwick RI -
The Secret Service is investigating a seventh-grader who wrote an English class essay advocating violence against President Bush, Oprah Winfrey and Coke and Wal-Mart executives.

The investigation is ongoing and may have been a cry for help according to the Secret Service.

Authorities wouldn't release the essay or the name of the boy who has been suspended pending the investigation. However, classmates identified the student as Jimmy Frey, son of author James Frey.

Calls to the Frey household and publicist went answered on Thursday.

Kate Moss Questioned on Cocaine

Lured by a prize announcement letter commonly used to snare probation violators in the US, Kate Moss was lured back to England to face questioning on her alleged cocaine use with her sometimes boyfriend and former Babyshambles singer.

Unlike in the states, England can apparently detain you for evidence of past drug use within the country. Unexplained however is Keith Richards and all other models who've been to England.

Cingular takes page from Palm

Cingular releases today a new version of its less thab successful ROKR phone. The new one dubbed Slvr has all the same internal specs as the old one, so no more songs and no more memory. You do get a slimmer phone though for you $200.

Presumably this will be marketed more as a new Motorola candybar first and iPod features second. Expect discounts on the old one soon.