Monday, July 31, 2006

Haq Troubled says friend

According to this week's issue of Duh? Magazine, a friend of the suspect in the deadly Seattle Jewish charity said Naveed Haq had been in therapy for 10 years after dropping out of an East Coast dental school and frustrating his parents.

Past exploits (other than dental school) include an arrest for exposing himself to girls after diving into a coin fountain at a mall.

In other news, Linsay Lohan has once again started getting more press than her father for partying too much.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Britney Pool Boy Fired

Will K-Fed be next?

Spears fired her poolboy, Jon LaLane (son of Jack) for spending too much time lying around with fames workaholic Kevin Federline. LaLane claims Britney was not at all nice about the firing and is very much against letting K-Fed sit around all day. This was reported in Duh? Magazine yesterday.

Monday, July 24, 2006

If I Were President...

Former Presidential candidate John Kerry is claiming in a Detroit paper that if he were president the conflict between Israel and Hezbollah wouldn't have happened. This release has conservatives in stitches claiming that this may be the stupidest thing out of his mouth.
In other news Aaron Sorkin has claimed all this fighting in the mid-east is going to require a lot of pain relief, "It'll be like passing out Advil in the schoolyard."

Top Model strike

Staff writer-producers are threatening a walkout and going nuclear if their demands for union representation aren't met. When asked what their version of "nuclear" meant, a spokesman for the group said, "Two words, Naomi Cambell!"

Laweres for the shows producers are preparing for the possibility of an assault case.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

New York Times to Reduce Page Size

Finding that the amount of "news" in the New York Times was exceeding the amount that was "fit to print", the New York Times is reducing the page size of the paper. Conservatives eveywhere are rejoicing after fighting for years that the Times was printing too many irresponsible stories and not meeting the "fit to print" criteria.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Apu claims responsibility for India train bombings

Apu, proud proprietor of the Springfield Qwiki-Mart has claimed responsibility for orchestrating the India train bombings on July 11th. In a released statement, "I am tired of the competition from 7-11 stores. What day is more symbolic in India culture to create distaste for the evil 7-11 empire than 7/11. May the day go down in infamy! "
(Apologies given the sensitivity of the bombings but this was just sitting there)

Friday, July 07, 2006

Unibrow in

But sadly Adam Corolla was not listed as a synonym for the noun in the latest version of the Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Bears showing evil side again

In another example of why bears are dangerous to the American way, a bear cub in a Lake Tahoe neighborhood was caught by holiday weekend revelers munching on a barbecue-chicken-and-jalapeno pizza in the back seat of a vintage (American Made) red Buick and then washing it down with a Jack Daniel's mixer and an Absolut vodka and tonic.

While the cub didn't cause any damage to the car, the lost pizza and the fear of bears running around in a drunken stupor has officials worried.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Linday Lohan, No Druggie

Lindsay Lohan is floating stories around that she would never become a druggie after seeing it tear apart her family because of her father's repeated use. In a similar vein, she's decided to never eat again after seeing what its done to Artie Lange (and his relationships).