Poison to Break Up

In the latest issue of “We Might Have Cared if it was 20 Years Ago” there are rumors that Poison may be breaking up (were they even still together) after the bassist Bobby Dall tossed an axe at front-man Bret Michaels. While this may have ramifications to the metal and hairspray locations on PA, NJ and Long Island manufacturers aren’t worried that the loss of a concert tour attended by tens of tens will have a dramatic effect on sales.

Manilow to have Hip Surgery

following his various successful face lift surgery, Barry Manilow is now aiming to make a better impression in a bathing suit. The famed "Copacobana" singer will be undergoing hip surgery after his appearance on the Emmys this year. He will miss at least 20 concerts at the Hilton as a result.

K-Fed "Britney My Toughest Critic"

In shocking news coming out from the Spears-Federline camp, Britney in addition to forcing K-Fed to rid the house of his cuddly pet sharks is also reportedly his biggest musical critic, proving that the really do live in a bubble.  The "rave" reviews apparently don't reach his doorstep, email, conversations when he's out not working, radio and TV.

In a related story, George Bush is looking to acquire a similar news filter to K-Fed's.

Terror Plot a Hoax

News reports are coming in that the terror plot to blow up 10 US bound planes was just a promotional idea for Oliver Stone's WTC movie. Stone's publicist responded with, "we brainstormed ways to bring terrorism back into the minds of the American movie-going public and this was a winner."

Suri to Debut in Vanity Fair

Reports are that Suri Cruise or Holmes will have her first ever photos published in Vanity Fair this Fall. The pictures will be taken by famed celebrity photographer Annie Liebovitz who reportedly plied the child with her old tricks of a mound of cocaine and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Bush Pissed

After repeated warnings to Al Queda and related terrorist groups to take August off so President Bush could take his much needed month long vacation and cut brush down on his farm (and figure out a way to use it as an alternative energy source), Bush is pissed.
"Not only is this interrupting my vacation but also my buddy Tony Blair's vacation. Terrorists need time off too, and I thought we'd come to an understanding, then they start this thing with airplanes again."

In a very related story, Osama is appearing in a new video on Al Jazeera today under a "Mission Acomplished" banner and mocking the President's month long vacation.

Fed Pauses Rate Hikes, Gives Credit To Paris' Abstinence

The Fed Reserve chose to pause their interest rate hikes today giving credit to Paris Hilton's planned 1 year abstinence. Fed Chairman Bernake was quoted as saying, "Never before have we had such a confluence of events. The economy is slowing and there are indicators that it ties directly to Paris Hilton's sex life, particularly that which appears on video. If Paris isn't going out, getting drunk and having guys with girls' names ramming expensive cars into other expensive cars, whole sections of the economy are effected".

Bernake went on that he only hopes Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie don't make similar choices.