Budke Report

Breaking news

2009-09-26T12:00:00.001-04:00

Engaging Iran as a policy wasn't all that successful. In other news, the government will miss a deadline, Gitmo won't be closing on time. America is in shock.

787 billion dollars to save 1 million jobs

2009-09-11T12:30:00.001-04:00

$787k per job. It would be great to be one of those say 1 million getting paid that. Government efficiency at its best.

Obama calls shuttle Discovery astronauts

2009-03-24T10:12:00.001-04:00

To assure them that their money is safe. Not to worry and that he's got everything under control.

OJ sentenced

2008-12-06T11:56:00.001-05:00

Who's going to continue the search for Nicole's killer? In a shocking development it appears OJ may have masterminded the whole kidnapping thing in an attempt to search for Nicole's killer from within the prison system in a very "Prison Break-esque" move. Reports are that OJ ran out of places to search for the killer on the outside so he decided to take some trumped up charges to be sent inside the "big house" where he thinks Nicole's killer may be holed up.

This week's best SNL skit?

2008-10-26T20:51:00.001-04:00

The Holiday Inn commercial. Guess I should start FF through the show so I can watch the commercials

SNL (Saturday Night Live) Sucks

2008-10-19T20:55:00.002-04:00

The show blows. It has sucked all season. The only slightly redeeming moments are the opening. Who the hell are the hosts (at least the cameos someone has heard of).

Ways to save SNL:

Cancel this season
Only do 10 minutes of show, that seems to be the extent of good material they have
Replay the week's "30 Rock" 3 times. Given the show tails off after the commercial the preceeds the show, expose fans to a well written and acted show.
Stop the Andy Samburg shorts. He peaked with "Dick in a Box" and it has been sharply downhill from there.
Bring on John Mayer as musical guest and host. Recently watched his VH1 and other You-Tube clips. May have to make him head writer.
Any of the guys from "Arrested Development" doing anything?
Put Trimph the Angry Dog on. More Schmiegle. His poop is funnier than the show is now. His poop writes better too.
Steal some writers from the "Daily Show" or "Colbert Report" they do shows 4 nights a week that are more intelligent and funnier. Hell give their writers guest spots.
Chevy doing anything?
Fire most of the current staff. What are they going to do, star in a movie about a woman who gets over excited at a hibache place? Get rich do digital clips on funnyordie.com?

Clay Aiken gay?

2008-09-24T08:30:00.001-04:00

No way. Can't say anyone saw that coming.

Redwings Win and no looting?

2008-06-05T08:58:00.001-04:00

Is it that no one cares about hockey or that hockey fans (in the US) are better behaved? When was the last time a Detroit team won and no cop cars were overturned? They do it on Halloween even.

Man goes on violent rampage after shooting girlfriend

2008-05-08T14:03:00.001-04:00

So says the headline in a Seattle news item. After?

Which political party is full of hypocrites and liars?

2008-03-12T14:57:00.001-04:00

The one with an animal as a symbol?

Spears Parenting Book Delayed

2007-12-20T08:49:00.001-05:00

The reasons haven't been released, but the forthcoming book by Lynne Spears about parenting has been delayed. The news comes shortly after her younger daughter, Jamie Lynn, who is 16 announced she is pregnant and older daughter Britney is fighting (and losing) a battle for custody of her kids.

Tiffany Smith of NY, a 14 year old mother of two, had this to say, "All of the Spears' are an inspiration to me. I hope I have the skills and tolerance to drugs and alcohol that they have as I bring up (or lose to foster care) my two babes."

Thank God

2007-11-17T23:17:00.001-05:00

According to the latest copy of Entertainment Weekly all 12 Cavemen watchers will be all set during the strike. Thankfully there are 8 episodes already in the can.

OJ to look for real robbers on golf course

2007-11-16T08:58:00.001-05:00

Taking a page from the play book of his last trial, OJ Simpson has vowed to search for the real armed robbers from Vegas out on the golf course. Says his spokesman, "last time he spent so much time on the course looking for the killer and the jury got it. He hopes to recapture that magic".

What's Slick-Hillary hiding?

2007-11-09T10:00:00.001-05:00

While it would be great to get her out of Westchester, the addition of a flying motorcade like the last days of slick-Willie might be too much to bear.

If Hillary doesn't win next year, will she run again? If their archives won't open until 2012 at what point will whatever surface that is so damaging that they won't let out now. Is it going to be like South Park where she isn't really human? Will it expose her lies during Monica-gate?

Since she's only been a first-lady, why not release the documents showing all of her wonderful experience.

Venezuela to adjust clocks by 30 mins

2007-08-24T10:11:00.000-04:00

In an effort to socialize daylight away from the evil oppressors, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is going to turn everyone's clocks back 30 minutes in September. The "more fair distribution of the sunrise" should particularly help poor children (which isn't a very socialist concept). The government plans to announce additional measures to "make more effective use of time". Perhaps that will involve abolishing the government and silly 30 minute time changes which will surely be easy to implement in every computer, cash register and ATM in the country.

Lohan overpowers 3 guys?

2007-07-27T11:46:00.000-04:00

According to TMZ Lohan commandeered the Tahoe with three guys in it. Lindsay being huge and everything, it does seem a little hard to believe. She apparently took her assistant's boyfriend's car and ran over one of the guys who had been in the car. Looks like these guys should spend less time in the sun.

Sandler turning into Winkler?

2007-07-27T09:16:00.000-04:00

Having just seen Chuck and Larry last night there were a few surprising things:
1. Adam Sandler as a vampire looks an awful lot like Henry Winkler.
2. Rob Schneider in perhaps a first never had the like "You can do it!" Although there were ample opportunities.

In other news if you want to own something that Jerry Garcia sat his naked butt on, there is an auction on Ebay for his former bidet and 2 person jacuzzi among other items. The proceeds will go to charity and are from his old house after the current owner did some renovations.

Paris in Jail - Day 1 report

2007-06-05T09:39:00.001-04:00

Report from Day 1 is that Paris Hilton survived day 1 in jail. Estimates are that she'll survive Day 2 also.

Reports are brewing that she doesn't find her jail time to be terribly exciting.

And the dems are back

2007-06-04T13:35:00.000-04:00

After a string of republican corruption scandals, the Democrats are back in business with the dem senator from Louisiana indicted on more than a handful of charges.

New concern for Facebook

2007-04-17T14:17:00.001-04:00

With the recent tragic shootings at VA Tech a new concern may be hitting college campuses... What does your Facebook entry say about you, and is THAT how you want to be remembered? News outlets like CNN have been raiding Facebook pages for mini bio's of those shot and surely these kids didn't expect their profile to be used to describe their life upon death. They should be careful with their match.com profiles also.

Who Cares about Rutgers

2007-04-10T10:50:00.000-04:00

Perhaps what Imus said was wrong, but does anyone really care what the players from Rutgers said?

Their last football season at least made the NY news reports. Were it not for Imus, would anyone know that Rutgers' womens team had won the NCAA championship? That said, other than Imus having little talent, who cares what either side has to say at this point.

News Cycle Shocker

2007-03-21T09:46:00.000-04:00

A day after the Anna Nicole Smith tribulations re-emerged in the press, Britney Spears has left rehab. All is right in the world again.

News shocker

2007-03-20T20:39:00.000-04:00

After about a week of news of sub-prime mortgage lender problems and the fiasco at the Walter Reed Army Hospital, not even the release of Linsay Lohan's dad could get any traction until tonight. What happened tonight? A judge has ordered a paternity test (not exactly) shocking the news media back to life. One can only wonder if this news will make it to the cover oftomorrow's NY Post and Daily News. Perhaps even the cover of the next US Weekly.

Drug problems among Jam Bands

2007-03-08T14:14:00.000-05:00

Just a few short weeks after Phish front-man Trey Anastasio was arrested for possession of narcotics (some perscription and some not for him), John Popper of Blues Traveler has been arrested near Spokane Washington on a variety of gun charges and posession of marijuana. Popper was not the driver of the car, but was the owner, which had a number of hidden compartments with a variety of weapons.

While always thought to be just something that those in the audience did, perhaps there is a growing use of drugs amongst professional musicians.

Federline shocker

2007-02-21T12:31:00.000-05:00

Kevin Federline has put his career on hold, according to reports, in order to try and get ex-wife Brit some help. Unclear is what "on hold" actually means for someone of his talent.

Breaking news

2007-02-16T15:28:00.000-05:00

The house has voted to finally pass a non-binding resolution against increasing the troop levels in Iraq. This follows three days of debates. Next on the agenda of record breaking wastes of time, the house will spend the next 4 days (not including the weekend, lord knows they need to rest after this precedent setting vote) debating and hopefully another non-binding vote on the lunch menu for the 3rd Friday in March.

Lohan blames lack of lashing out to drinking

2007-01-18T08:59:00.000-05:00

In a surprise twist in the celebrity world, just not a teen, Lindsay Lohan has blamed alcohol for her not lashing out at various groups, "First of all, I don't drink at clubs, I'm underage. Why would I want to drink at a club, I can pop a Red Bull and feel better. Second of all, when I do drink, it is in the comfort of my own home and with friends. See why go driving around and risk getting arrested and an unflattering mug shot that Jimmy Kimmel puts up. Besides, the alcohol just relaxes me. Anyway, if there is anyone who doesn't need but has a bad example of what alcohol can do (and land you in the press) its me. Just look at my family. "

Only 4 US cities ready for crisis

2007-01-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

Only 4 US cities have emergency communications gear allowing police, fire and medical officials to coordinate fully during a crisis, a federal report said.

That is only for major cities. The same status was awarded to smaller metropolitan areas of Sioux Falls, SD and Laramie Wyoming.

Said Billy Joe Frasier the chief of police for Laramie, "I don't know what the big deal is, Jimmie James (fire chief) and Big Phil (head of the largest and only hospital in Laramie) have never had any problems talking to eachother. We just use a regular CB, heck only about 10 people in town have 'em".

Fed-Ex threatens Tell-all

2006-12-13T14:36:00.000-05:00

Former Mr Britney Spears, Kevin Federline is threatening a tell-all book about his ex-wife Britney. He claims he has many stories of her drinking, alledged drug use and attraction to other women (apparently as opposed to an attraction to him and his man about the town ways). Rumor is that he would be using a ghostwriter since no one believes he is literate.

Andy Dick Apologizes

2006-12-06T16:03:00.000-05:00

After an outburst of using the n-word (reportedly the n-word is nigger, just as the c-word is concentration camp and h-word is the Halocaust) and surely just an attempt by an another comedian angry at all the attention Michael Richards has gotten for using the word "nigger" in his act when they've been using it in their act for years.

As the initial outburst by Dick didn't get enough media attention, Dick has now offered an apology to get more press time.

1 in 5 kids online too much

2006-11-29T09:47:00.000-05:00

A survey by the University of Southern California of adult internet users found 1 in 5 parents think their kids are online too much. 2 out of 5 were unable to get to use the computer to fill out the survey because their kids were on it and the last 20% were filled in by kids themselves who had hacked their parents accounts.

iPods banned for sale in North Korea

2006-11-29T09:40:00.000-05:00

North Koreans will have to find something else to listen to their podcasts of Kim Jong-il now that the US has banned the sale of iPods in the North Korean state. A spokesman from Microsoft issued this statement, "While the North Koreans may not be able to buy iPods, we see this as an opportunity to introduce our Zune music players to their people. After flagging sales and some minor glitches, our marketing specialists have determined that the North Korean marketplace is a perfect fit".

Bush sidesteps talk of 'Civil War'

2006-11-28T13:02:00.000-05:00

President George Bush has been trying to sidestep any talk of Civil War in Iraq. The president's spokesman added, "It worked for the president with Vietnam and the National Guard, we feel that the third time is a charm."

Proving Howard Stern is right

2006-11-27T15:34:00.000-05:00

Reports are circulating today that Baywatch Babe Pam Anderson has filed for divorce from Kid Rock aka Bob Ritchie proving that celebrities probably shouldn't marry unless for the sole purpose of wealth redistribution or lawyer full employment acts.

Rangle forgot the election was two weeks ago

2006-11-20T10:20:00.000-05:00

NY Representative Chuck Rangle, the incoming chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee has said he will introduce a bill next year to reintroduce the draft as a way of deterring politicians from starting wars.

The Republicans were caught a bit off guard. Republican strategist James McOnley made this statement, "While it is customary for Democrats to make explosive comments just before an election that costs them votes, releasing these incendiary statements after an election is a new tactic. It appears that the Democrats are moving towards a policy of screwing themselves year round"

Fed-Ex

2006-11-10T05:41:00.000-05:00

Citing irreconcilable differences also, Kevin Federline aka K-Fed or Fed-ex or Mr Spears has counter files for divorce. Having no known skills, he's suing for custody of the kids, figuring he eventually has to see them. Also thoughts are that if he has custody, he'd have another reason not to work and just stay home with his posse and whatever nanny he can find to try to bang.

They have two kids that Fed-ex has yet to touch and given his impressive fathering skills (or impregnating anyway) this has been something of a curve ball for the Spears camp.

Brittney files for divorce

2006-11-09T20:23:00.000-05:00

Citing irreconcileable differences, Brit is filing for divorce from Kevin Federline aka K-Fed, who also was able to only draw 300 hostages to a show in NYC that he had to beg and plead to keep open (the hall held 1500). No word on the number of actual fans there.

Is any part of Borat not scripted?

2006-10-30T08:38:00.000-05:00

Oddly timed, but I was reading the latest issue of Maxim (US version) last night and the "interview" with Borat there was pretty much identical, both in questions and answers as Borat's "interview" on the Today Show this morning.

The Ali G show tended to get a bit long in the tooth, is this going to carry over into the movie where we've seen all of the potentially humorous scenes in the previews?

Federline album to sell at least 12 copies

2006-10-17T10:01:00.000-04:00

Britney is looking to help out her man (or at least reduce the amount she's shelling out to keep him busy) by holding a contest amongst her fans to see who can sell the most K-Fed albums. 1st place gets to party with them at the Haloween release party. 2nd gets a pair of smelly kicks that K-Fed loused up at some awards show. Ten runners up will get a replica of the medallion/tracking device that the Fedster wears all the time.

Can't wait to see the poor dads of these kids trying to sell these babies that the kids overbought at the office like the yearly girl scout cookies.

Cory Lidle death Blamed on A-Rod

2006-10-11T18:42:00.000-04:00

Reports are flying out of New York that Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle's death was the fault of Alex Rodriguez (A-Rod). Apparently if he'd managed to get more than one hit during the first round of playoffs and maybe hit in a run, the Yankees would still be in the playoffs and he wouldn't have been flying.

Laugh Tracks on SNL

2006-10-09T07:55:00.000-04:00

Is Saturday Night Live using laugh tracks this season (possibly more than previous seasons)?

During an amazing number of unfunny bits on this past Saturday's show there was a familiar ring to the laughter that kept popping up at times that unless there was someone off camera doing something funny that the TV audience wasn't being let in on.

The truely funny bits had quite different sounding laughter. Have the budget cuts at SNL also taken away the live audience?

Mark Foley admits...

2006-10-03T18:28:00.000-04:00

Representative Mark Foley's representatives have released a statement that in addition to having a drinking problem and having been molested as a young teen, that he is also:
A female
The victim of a murder
A senior citizen
Handicapped
Bi-polar
Autistic
And anything else that will help him get a shorter sentance and make his current legal problems go away.

Kinky Friedman

2006-09-09T12:22:00.000-04:00

New albums were released in the past week or so by both Bob Dylan (new material) and Kinky Friedman (best of). Apparently there is a god and Dylan's new album debuted at number one on the charts, something he hasn't had an album do since the 70's but nice to see something that knocks off the Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton albums.

Moderately related news is that Kinky Friedman who is running for Governor of Texas has released a best of album. Kinky is running in a 4-way race for Governor and shocking a lot of folks with both the support he is getting and the likely votes he will get. Both artists are getting a lot of play on Sirius' Outlaw Country.

Blackouts

2006-09-07T14:48:00.000-04:00

Seems like wherever I live the concept of frequent and long lasting blackouts seems to follow me. Spent some time in the Seattle area and because of tall trees or just bad karma it seemed that the power went out in my apartment complex every time the wind blew. It had been for fairly short periods, so I went and bought a little UPS for some of my computers. Wouldn't you know it, the blackout started lasting longer and the UPS became mostly useless.

Then I moved back east, never really had that big of a problem with blackouts, yes there are blackouts but if the power went it was usually for the whole town, or big sections. Now, though, the illustrious Con Edison has was we can only figure out as an old or undersized transformer for our block. If the wind blows or there's a heavy rain the power goes out. It then takes 5-6 hours minimum for ConEd to come by with a "Power Stick" to re-enable the damned transformer. This stinks (needless to say a generator is in the planning stages, but I digress).

With this latest blackout thanks in part to Ernesto (and ConEd) we had a lot of crews nearby. They decided to keep the whole neighborhood off until everything was cleaned off. Thus we were the first out (as usual) and resulted in essentially the last on. I asked one of the linemen how to get the transformer replaced. It was suggested to complain to ConEd. I asked if taking it out with water or a car would help. Best lineman came up with other than the complaining, was to shoot the damn thing. Seems failure gets ConEd moving faster.

Now I don't know about you, but I'm in a neighborhood of fairly close houses, a gun going off would draw attention. However given the rest of the neighbors are just as annoyed, I'm considering floating a petition to see if anyone would complain. What's the best gun to take out a pole transformer with?

Poison to Break Up

2006-08-29T00:10:00.000-04:00

In the latest issue of “We Might Have Cared if it was 20 Years Ago” there are rumors that Poison may be breaking up (were they even still together) after the bassist Bobby Dall tossed an axe at front-man Bret Michaels. While this may have ramifications to the metal and hairspray locations on PA, NJ and Long Island manufacturers aren’t worried that the loss of a concert tour attended by tens of tens will have a dramatic effect on sales.

Manilow to have Hip Surgery

2006-08-18T10:29:00.000-04:00

following his various successful face lift surgery, Barry Manilow is now aiming to make a better impression in a bathing suit. The famed "Copacobana" singer will be undergoing hip surgery after his appearance on the Emmys this year. He will miss at least 20 concerts at the Hilton as a result.

K-Fed "Britney My Toughest Critic"

2006-08-17T14:00:00.000-04:00

In shocking news coming out from the Spears-Federline camp, Britney in addition to forcing K-Fed to rid the house of his cuddly pet sharks is also reportedly his biggest musical critic, proving that the really do live in a bubble. The "rave" reviews apparently don't reach his doorstep, email, conversations when he's out not working, radio and TV.

In a related story, George Bush is looking to acquire a similar news filter to K-Fed's.

Terror Plot a Hoax

2006-08-11T14:34:00.000-04:00

News reports are coming in that the terror plot to blow up 10 US bound planes was just a promotional idea for Oliver Stone's WTC movie. Stone's publicist responded with, "we brainstormed ways to bring terrorism back into the minds of the American movie-going public and this was a winner."

Suri to Debut in Vanity Fair

2006-08-10T16:22:00.000-04:00

Reports are that Suri Cruise or Holmes will have her first ever photos published in Vanity Fair this Fall. The pictures will be taken by famed celebrity photographer Annie Liebovitz who reportedly plied the child with her old tricks of a mound of cocaine and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Bush Pissed

2006-08-10T08:58:00.000-04:00

After repeated warnings to Al Queda and related terrorist groups to take August off so President Bush could take his much needed month long vacation and cut brush down on his farm (and figure out a way to use it as an alternative energy source), Bush is pissed.
"Not only is this interrupting my vacation but also my buddy Tony Blair's vacation. Terrorists need time off too, and I thought we'd come to an understanding, then they start this thing with airplanes again."

In a very related story, Osama is appearing in a new video on Al Jazeera today under a "Mission Acomplished" banner and mocking the President's month long vacation.

Fed Pauses Rate Hikes, Gives Credit To Paris' Abstinence

2006-08-08T14:45:00.000-04:00

The Fed Reserve chose to pause their interest rate hikes today giving credit to Paris Hilton's planned 1 year abstinence. Fed Chairman Bernake was quoted as saying, "Never before have we had such a confluence of events. The economy is slowing and there are indicators that it ties directly to Paris Hilton's sex life, particularly that which appears on video. If Paris isn't going out, getting drunk and having guys with girls' names ramming expensive cars into other expensive cars, whole sections of the economy are effected".

Bernake went on that he only hopes Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Ritchie don't make similar choices.

Haq Troubled says friend

2006-07-31T09:12:00.000-04:00

According to this week's issue of Duh? Magazine, a friend of the suspect in the deadly Seattle Jewish charity said Naveed Haq had been in therapy for 10 years after dropping out of an East Coast dental school and frustrating his parents.

Past exploits (other than dental school) include an arrest for exposing himself to girls after diving into a coin fountain at a mall.

In other news, Linsay Lohan has once again started getting more press than her father for partying too much.

Britney Pool Boy Fired

2006-07-27T13:26:00.000-04:00

Will K-Fed be next?

Britney
Spears fired her poolboy, Jon LaLane (son of Jack) for spending too much time lying around with fames workaholic Kevin Federline. LaLane claims Britney was not at all nice about the firing and is very much against letting K-Fed sit around all day. This was reported in Duh? Magazine yesterday.

If I Were President...

2006-07-24T14:03:00.000-04:00

Former Presidential candidate John Kerry is claiming in a Detroit paper that if he were president the conflict between Israel and Hezbollah wouldn't have happened. This release has conservatives in stitches claiming that this may be the stupidest thing out of his mouth.
In other news Aaron Sorkin has claimed all this fighting in the mid-east is going to require a lot of pain relief, "It'll be like passing out Advil in the schoolyard."

Top Model strike

2006-07-24T09:19:00.000-04:00

Staff writer-producers are threatening a walkout and going nuclear if their demands for union representation aren't met. When asked what their version of "nuclear" meant, a spokesman for the group said, "Two words, Naomi Cambell!"

Laweres for the shows producers are preparing for the possibility of an assault case.

New York Times to Reduce Page Size

2006-07-18T14:46:00.000-04:00

Finding that the amount of "news" in the New York Times was exceeding the amount that was "fit to print", the New York Times is reducing the page size of the paper. Conservatives eveywhere are rejoicing after fighting for years that the Times was printing too many irresponsible stories and not meeting the "fit to print" criteria.

Apu claims responsibility for India train bombings

2006-07-13T09:24:00.000-04:00

Apu, proud proprietor of the Springfield Qwiki-Mart has claimed responsibility for orchestrating the India train bombings on July 11th. In a released statement, "I am tired of the competition from 7-11 stores. What day is more symbolic in India culture to create distaste for the evil 7-11 empire than 7/11. May the day go down in infamy! "
(Apologies given the sensitivity of the bombings but this was just sitting there)

Unibrow in

2006-07-07T10:15:00.000-04:00

But sadly Adam Corolla was not listed as a synonym for the noun in the latest version of the Merriam Webster's Collegiate Dictionary

Bears showing evil side again

2006-07-05T10:49:00.000-04:00

In another example of why bears are dangerous to the American way, a bear cub in a Lake Tahoe neighborhood was caught by holiday weekend revelers munching on a barbecue-chicken-and-jalapeno pizza in the back seat of a vintage (American Made) red Buick and then washing it down with a Jack Daniel's mixer and an Absolut vodka and tonic.

While the cub didn't cause any damage to the car, the lost pizza and the fear of bears running around in a drunken stupor has officials worried.

Linday Lohan, No Druggie

2006-07-04T10:15:00.000-04:00

Lindsay Lohan is floating stories around that she would never become a druggie after seeing it tear apart her family because of her father's repeated use. In a similar vein, she's decided to never eat again after seeing what its done to Artie Lange (and his relationships).

Rose Famous Enough to be Arrested

2006-06-27T10:59:00.000-04:00

In Sweeden still. The aging pop-star who has struggled since the 90's to put out an album, was found drunk and biting the leg of a Stockholm policeman after arguing loudly with a woman at his hotel lobby. Police will question him after he sobers up and realizes it isn't 1989 anymore and no one cares.

Click but no Pause

2006-06-25T12:39:00.000-04:00

Saw the movie "Clicked" starring Adam Sandler with the wife last night. Both of us were surprised that he used pause so infrequently. Its the feature I want. Don't have enough time to do something, pause, do it while everyone is standing still and wow, your efficient. A little too tired to do something, hit pause, take a nap, wake up refreshed. Is it that important to fast-forward through everything? What about taking the batteries out?

French Calling Others Cowards

2006-06-21T12:28:00.000-04:00

In a case of the pot calling the kettle black, France's prime minister Dominique de Villepin grew agitated and called Socialist leader Francois Hollande a coward.

While much of the rest of the world is very open to calling the french cowards, I guess they aren't allowed to call themselves cowards.

Gore to Spread Word

2006-06-13T09:55:00.001-04:00

Former vice president Al Gore hopes to train 1000 bi-partisan messengers to spread the message of his book "An Inconvenient Truth" to America. Sleep disorder researchers are on the edges of their seats in anticipation of the slideshow. Tom Blankenship of NYU said, "This could be a major breakthrough for those with sleeping problems. Never before have we had a message so sleep inducing and with such a force behind it. "

Rumors are that the audio will be banned on radio for fears it will cause drivers to fall asleep at the wheel and cause accidents.

Only Leak is No Leak

2006-06-13T09:55:00.000-04:00

Word has leaked out that Carl Rove will not be charged in the Valerie Plame leak case dissapointing leftish newspaper writers and West Coast residents everywhere.

Federline Leaks Becoming More Obvious...

2006-06-08T07:30:00.000-04:00

...Or Stupid

Kevin Federline is reportedly in a huff over Britney Spears' new manny/bodyguard who has taken over some of K-Feds old jobs (no plausible information as to what those may have been), been seen buying Britney flowers and helping her redecorate the house (that she paid for) and getting rid of the K-Fed junk. Kevin supposedly can't think about his "music" in the now floral and pink decor. While we can't thank Britney for bringing more Federline offspring into the world, we must now thank her for any delays of K-Fed singles or albums.

In any event, all of this news wreaks of coming from the Federline camp.

The Radio On The Bus Spews Out Ads, Spews Out Ads...

2006-06-07T09:07:00.000-04:00

In yesterdays Wall Street Journal, it was reported that companies are vying for the rights to be the official radio station on school busses. In between ads for FrankenBerries and XBox360's there would preumably be some educational programming. The programming should act as a distraction to the stoned bus driver and the big kids picking on the little ones, but is it really necessary to blast a radio over a bunch of kids, or have school busses become quiter than their adult cousins while the kids are IM-ing to their seatmate via SMS?

Special Day for Oprah

2006-06-05T23:13:00.000-04:00

Well a lucky couple in Tulsa OK had their wedding crashed by Ms Self Obsessed, Oprah Winfrey the past weekend. Not able to get enough attention at her magazine, TV show or French stores, she's now taking the lead of Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughan and draws attention to herself at strangers' wedding, God forbid the bride have a day to shine a little.

High Speed Driving Mecca Lawrence, KS Banning Phones from Roads

2006-06-01T14:57:00.000-04:00

Trying to one-up the other cell phone laws, Lawrence Kansas that hotbed of traffic, highspeed driving and tiny soccer moms in huge SUVs talking on their handheld, wants to ban phones in cars regardless of it is handsfree or not. T-Mobile has already spoken up against the concept claiming there are much bigger distractions, such as fast food, kids in the back seat and (who thought of this as good roadside food) Cinnabon. Somewhat more surprising was that there were enough drivers or even cell coverage in that section of tornado-alley.

Vonage Pulls a Kerry

2006-06-01T09:56:00.000-04:00

Pulling a page from the failed Democratic candidate for president, John Kerry (no not trying to have a bore-off with Al Gore) Vonage has now flip-flopped to a position of saying they will go after consumer investors who were sllocated shares of their IPO and refuse or fail to pay. This isn't good news for the consumer as the shares have dropped like a cement footed mobster in the Hudson River, and only in a couple weeks.

Best hope for Vonage (VG) is a strong stock bounce, which isn't very likely unless there is some takeover rumor, so they can at least profit from the shares.

Vonage Buying Back Unwanted Shares

2006-05-31T10:14:00.000-04:00

After setting the record for coming out of the gates as the worst performing IPO ever, Vonage (VG) is now offering to buy back the shares from underwriters that consumers (who never had to put any money down) don't want.

The tactic was outlined in the Vonage prospectus. Seems ever so careful business writers missed that point when writing articles about how good or bad the deal to consumers would be. Seems the smart consumers (myself not being one) got a free ride on the Vonage IPO only needing to pay if it went up in the first month.

Pope visit Auschwitz camp again

2006-05-29T09:38:00.000-04:00

For the first time since his Hitler Youth days Pope Benedict has visited the Auschwitz concentration camp. As he walked solemly through the former camp he fondly remembered all the good that his german people had done there with the help of the pope at the time who also did nothing to help the Jews.

Bob Dylan on Death Watch

2006-05-26T18:43:00.000-04:00

Following recent successful films based on the lives of Johnny Cash and Ray Charles followed with the artists death shortly before public release of the movie, obituary writers world wide have stepped up their efforts in writing Bob Dylan's obituary in anticipation of his impending demise as actors are actively signing up to participate in a biopic on Bob Dylan's life.

Vonage Underwriters Abnormally Quiet

2006-05-26T12:09:00.000-04:00

Lead underwriters of the recent Vonage IPO have been unusually quiet. Deutsche Bank, Citigroup and UBS, the lead underwriters who are normally quite quick to tout how a each offering is the first in a particular space, or largest or something else. Well come on guys, you now have an IPO with the largest ever opening drop, yet nary a press release.

Let's celebrate the issuing of Vonage (symbol VG) stock with their quasi-criminal background of its largest shareholder Jeff Citron and the lack of corporate subscribers which led to a last minute effort to push IPO shares to Vonage's customers.

Seems the underwriters of MasterCard's IPO don't have this quiet problem.

Stern has one of his Top 10 Gay Moments

2006-05-25T09:37:00.000-04:00

Howard Stern today on his Sirius radio show had the Dixie Chicks on the air in the studio and playing live. What soured the whole experience however was Howard's complete sucking up to the Dixie Chicks and their anti-war stance. Not only gay but also lame as far as interviews go. At times it was painful to listen to.

Bird Flu Learning Season Ending

2006-05-24T08:27:00.000-04:00

With the end of May and thus May sweeps fast approaching the end of the Bird Flu educational season is also ending, at least until the next sweeps season, unless something else more riveting, such as infant obesity trumps it.

Bush Backs Language Bill

2006-05-19T10:50:00.000-04:00

President Bush is putting his support behind mandating English as the official language of the United States or something close to English.

Said President Bush to the press corp,
"Having to learn multiple languages is confusing, you see. It causes the mind to get confused if you know what I mean. Look at me. I can speak English and Spanish poorly, but enough to get by. Imagine if I didn't have to strain my brain with both languages. Maybe then both the Spanish and English speaking wouldn't make such fun of the way I talk or express my words you see."

Bush's expansion to English-like languages is meant to appeal to both blue and red states such as New York families living in Queens or Long Island, "wicked" New Englanders and rednecks in the south.

Getting Nowhere Faster

2006-05-17T17:04:00.000-04:00

Texas may raise speed limits on two West Texas highways soon to 80 mph. While drawing opposition from fuel conservation outlets. A study done on the sections of highway already show the average motorist doing 79.

Advocates for the higher speeds claim safety will be improved because cars will be going uniform speeds. Also, even though Texas is less than half the size of Alaska, the higher speed limit will allow the hicks to travel between their trailer parks faster. Anti-redneck groups are behind the plan also as the higher speeds mean the chance of a fatality in an accident is that much higher.

Beer League Movie Too Raunchy?

2006-05-17T11:26:00.000-04:00

The recently release Beer League, The Movie trailer that was released http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z6Bc1CKoLE has already stirred up some controversy and has been nominated for some awards related to its nudity and obscenity. Waiting for the movie is going to be hard, watching this when your company blocks access to youtube is tougher. But for those who are fans of the Stern show and more importantly beer league hockey and softball fans will want to catch this when they can. Perhaps more later after I can actually watch the damn thing.

New England Rain Blamed on Shortage of Mothers Day Calls

2006-05-16T10:45:00.000-04:00

The drenching rain that is soaking many New England states has caused a controversy in Washington. The NSA which is accused of keeping records of citizens phone calls for the purpose of threats and intimidation by US mothers, is being implicated along with a group of angry mothers for causing the heavy rain in retaliation for a lack of calls home. President Bush, in an attempt to diffuse the situation is looking to harness the power of the angry mothers and get them to volunteer for border protection duty on the Mexico border.

Mothers Behind Latest NSA Leak

2006-05-11T09:25:00.000-04:00

Reports are beginning to come out that a number of mothers are behind the leaking of the report that the NSA has a database of domestic phone calls. With the upcoming Mothers Day and the general guilt that they look to spread among the general population, they want it known that the NSA has a record of all of the calls you have (and in most cases haven't) made to your mother and they are willing to share it with your mother in case you dispute the fact.

The story has made millions of children quite concerned, but the phone companies are rejoicing at the sudden uptick of phone calls and thus revenues.

Moussaoui Unhappy Jury Was Fair

2006-05-09T17:22:00.000-04:00

After careful review Zacarias Moussaoui is very upset he was given a fair trial when he was sentanced to life in prison. "What must one do to become a martyr?" Moussaoui asked.

Claiming he lied because he thought jurors would base his case on emotion and his lack of understanding of US law (aside from his rejecting many lawyers who were trying to defend him) Maussaoui is looking for a retrial.

New UN Human Rights Council Elections Worthy of Chicago...

2006-05-09T17:19:00.000-04:00

Or DC where they re-elected Marion "Crack-head" Barry after being sent to prison on bribery and drug charges. The new UN Human Rights Council proudly announces that of the 44 initially elected members, only Russia, China, Cuba, Pakistan and Saudi Arabia are among the worlds worst abusers. This is a step up from the prior council where a larger percentage of members were among the worlds worst abusers. How did the UN perform this feat? By simply adding more members so the number of abusers would be proportionally lower of course.

China Driving up Prices of more than Oil

2006-05-09T11:53:00.001-04:00

AP is reporting that Chinese and US agents siezed more than 300 pounds of cocaine smuggled from Columbia. Aside from showing that South American drug gangs are moving into Asia as a new export market, the move is also putting price pressure on more traditional drug and specifically cocaine prices in the rest of the world. "Everyone notices the rising oil prices and blames the booming Chinese economy, but there are side effects. Rising standards of living in China are creating more free money and the young often convert that to drugs. If the China drug market takes off, prices are going torise for drugs in the rest of the world too," says noted economist James Finalley of the Flatley Foundation.

Blaine Not Dead Yet

2006-05-09T11:53:00.000-04:00

He failed to hold his breath long enough (approx 9 minutes) and otherwise seems to have suffered some permanent liver damage, but David Blaine doesn't appear to be dead yet much to the dissapointment of his detractors. Its unclear what was magic or illusion-like with his period in the water, but it did create some news for the boring magician in the New York area. Here's to hoping the next one causes more serious damage.

Kennedy in Rehab, Peter Tork a Counselor?

2006-05-05T15:21:00.000-04:00

Unrelated, but Patrick Kennedy has just admitted himself into rehab, presumably for favorable court treatment over his wrecking his Mustang in DC last night while going to an important vote that only he was aware of.

In other news, while there are plenty of fantasy camps, started with baseball and carried over into other sports such as hockey with the recent Mark Messier Leadership Camp (www.messiercamp.com) there appears to be a new one on the loose. "Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp" (rockandrollfantasycamp.com) has just hung its shingle out highlighting counselors such as Peter Tork, Spencer Davis and Kip Winger. The camp to be based in NY has a battle of the bands and is sponsored by Sirius, Gibson and VH-1 Classic. From the page its hard to understand how Dr. John and Levon Helm and others which are in the ads will fit into the mix.

Maybe the two subjects are related. If there are any two groups familiar with the abuses of alcohol and drugs, its rock-n-rollers and the Kennedys.

Fat Guy, Little Scooter

2006-05-05T14:43:00.000-04:00

James Gandolfini took a page from Blues Traveler front-man John Popper by slamming his scooter into a car (a taxi this time). Gandolfini walked away relatively uninjured, unlike Popper who required extensive surgery and was bound to a wheelchair for some time. James had his scooter picked up for repair. What happened to the days of big actors and musicians riding big bikes? Do they somehow think they look cool when they outweigh the bike?

Spears Hires New Nanny

2006-05-04T21:59:00.000-04:00

After their kid recently fell from a "defective" high-chair, Britney Spears has hired a new nanny. However, this one isn't for the infant, its for her baby's daddy, celebrity leech, Kevin Federline. The move comes after Spears has decided she has no desire to accompany K-Fed on all his club dates and one of her bodyguards, a former CIA man, recently quit over K-Fed's behavior. Britney made a deal with Richard, her CIA man, that he'd watch her and she'd get someone to babysit the K-Fed. Obviously there is a lot of trust built up in this relationship, it should only be a matter of time before they start hanging out with the Sambora's and former Sheen's.

Cruise Claims Placenta Story Ridiculous

2006-05-03T11:26:00.000-04:00

Calling claims that he ate or would eat the placenta of his newborn child, Suri, ridiculous. Tom Cruise is on the warpath again while promoting his latest movie, Mission Impossible 3.

"The claims are that I'd eat the placenta raw right after it left the silent womb. I'm not an animal. In Scientology they teach us to lightly braise the placenta and then serve it with a red sauce. Also to let it age a little bit." Cruise said.

I Work Hard at Being Hot

2006-05-02T14:38:00.000-04:00

"I have to work out to be as hot as I am. It's difficult for me, and I want girls to know that." -- GWEN STEFANI was quoted in Rolling Stone magazine.

Artie Lange of the Howard Stern show replied, "I too have to work out to be as hot as I am, you don't get a body like this naturally. I break a sweat just going between the studio and the bathroom. "

Vatican Official Says No to "Code"

2006-04-29T22:36:00.000-04:00

In a move sure to add to the box office numbers of the "Da Vinci Code" moview which is due to come out soon, a Vatican official has issued a statement urging people not to see the movie. This move further exemplifies how the Vatican pays almost no attention to the outside world as similar moves by "opposition" groups were wildly successful at keeping people from going to see "Passion of the Christ" and "9/11" as well as almost any other movie they really didn't want people to see.

Meanwhile Tom Hanks and Steven Speilberg have issued a letter of thanks to the Vatican for the additional free press and providing something for the press to focus on other than Tom, Katie, Brad and Angelina's kids.

Congratulations should also go to Steven Colbert on the birth of a bald eagle that has been named after him.

Allmans sue Sony

2006-04-28T22:52:00.000-04:00

Shortly after the founder of Capricorn Records passed away, the Allman Brothers and Cheap Trick have found a new target. Sony Records has been withholding roalties from from most bands signed before 2002 (and the rush to digital music downloading). The bands are hoping to get the suit classified as a class-action to recover approximately 24 cents a song that Sony is writing off to "pressing" and "shipping" fees that Sony surely isn't paying for digital downloads from iTunes. The record companies have long taken advantage of most of their artists, its about time someone or something takes them down a notch given their general stance that they are losing so much money because of mp3's.

Rush

2006-04-28T22:42:00.000-04:00

Continuing a tradition started in the movie "Rush," Rush Limbaugh was charged with perscription drug fraud today ending a nearly 2-year probe of the conservative radio commentator and his rather expensive habit of OxyCotin abuse. He plead guilty to only one of the counts against him, that of fraudulently obtaining perscription drugs through his housekeeper. The charges will be dropped if he continues drug therapy for the next 18 months. Certainly a case of a rich white guy receiving preferential treatment. Hopefully he'll remiss like some of his Florida neighbors, Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry, or prosecuters will pursue some other charges. Lord knows with as much as Rush was using, it should take more than a little therapy to keep him clean.

View of O'Donnell

2006-04-28T10:01:00.000-04:00

Rosie O'Donnell is expected to make an announcement today that she will be returning to daytime television as Meredith Viera's replacement. While there is little fear that Rosie will be able to hold her own on the show, having done so on her own show successfully, there are reports that Star Jones is quite upset.

"There's only room for one diva on this show, and that diva is me" Jones was overheard yelling. Producers are planning to have an eat-off contest between the fluxuating Jones and O'Donnell with the winner remaining silent for the rest of the show. Regular viewers are excitedly hoping Rosie wins.

Cities to be Closed

2006-04-27T15:50:00.000-04:00

Taking a page from the French, millions of Latinos are planning to take to the streets of major American cities (assuming there are Latinos in or near them) to protest in support of amnesty for illegal immigrants.

The protests are expected to be the largest since the civil rights era of the 1960's with 2 million expected to be in Los Angeles alone.

Critics of the protests are charging intimidation and perhaps misdirection. For if the protestors are going to shut down these cities, which are generally amongst the more liberal and pro-immigration, aren't they in effect just pissing off their supporters?

A number of businesses have already planned to close to allow their workers to attend the ralies.

Denise Sambora?

2006-04-25T11:28:00.000-04:00

Assuming Richie Sambora didn't take Heather Locklear's last name, the former Mr Locklear was recently seen playing tonsil hockey with the recently mentioned Denise Richards or Charlie Sheen fame. While obviously a testament to her great choice in men (or money anyway) it seems there are some questions as to how "off" Sambora and Locklear are. Then again, it didn't bother Richards too much when Sheen wasn't very off with his ex's (professional or not).

Two and a half Men

2006-04-24T16:49:00.000-04:00

Thank god for the making public of court documents. Copies of Denise Richards' divorce petition against Charlie Sheen are making the rounds on the web courtesy of thesmokinggun.com. Apparently the well known playboy wasn't to secretive in keeping his porn surfing private. Supposedly he was into some young teen boy on boy and girl on girl videos. And what is sure to rock the google search engine, he reportedly has pictures of his erect penis on his profile on a few adult friend finders.
Also of news is that Sheen was quite the sports bettor, but unlike Janet Gretzky, he seems to have won a few times as well as losing hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Roth Out!

2006-04-20T10:08:00.000-04:00

David Lee Roth is reportedly out on the CBS station morning shows he took over from Howard Stern. According to siriusfannetwork he will be replaced in his markets by the "Opie and Anthony" show which was previously booted from Viacom's radio waves after airing a show where two people were having sex in St. Patrick's Cathedral.

The show will be a simulcast of their XM Radio show, presumably with a delay and someone sitting on the kill switch. While a good move of O&E, and perhaps questionable by Viacom and XM (the latter based on the terms of the deal) its not clear why or if Viacom ever approached Sirius with a similar offer for the Stern show itself, which would have seemed like an obvious fit upon Stern's departure to Sirius Sattelite in the first place. While Howard this morning is claiming his love of his current deal, one has to imagine he's kicking himself a little for not finding yet another revenue stream to line his pockets with. Additionally Sirius could have had another revenue stream. Personally I thought Viacom was going to do this with Howard when Stern left. Maybe the deal falling through is why the lawsuit for stealing advertising time was brought.

Not sure if this helps XM draw new subscribers as their once "premium package" performers are now going to be available for free in a number of the country's biggest radio markets. Or will this drive more people to Sirius for variety since the unique content on XM is now available for free again.

GE Prepares Suit Against Couric

2006-04-18T10:39:00.000-04:00

Rumors are circulating in the news media that GE, parent of NBC television, is preparing to sue Katie Couric for part of her $15 million pay package for improperly promoting her move to CBS.

The move is thought to be a daring challenge to CBS and Leslie Moonves who recently filed suit against former radio and now Sirius Satelite Radio personality Howard Stern. Said a spokesman for GE, "While we understand Ms. Couric is leaving the Today show, and that the move is 'news' we have not given her or any of our others shows explicit permission to talk of the move, thus we are suing CBS for what is in effect the millions of dollars of free advertising they are getting."

Seniors in CA find new ways to hold up traffic

2006-04-11T09:22:00.000-04:00

Take away their drivers licences and these crafty San Fernando Valley seniors have found a new way to annoy you without leaving their turn signals on indefinately and hovering in the left lane.

An 82-year-old woman was recently given a ticket for crossing the street too slowly in what now is getting top attention (in the LA area, at least until Paris Hilton comes outside again).